A Desire to Obtain What I Have Admired

This year, studying a model organism of worms so small and myself nearly becoming apparently synonymous with the species as I was informed today, has been to say the very least, humbling. Unearthing the wealth of knowledge housed in micrometers of cellular matter truly did nothing short of increase my awe-factor in the face of all the knowledge there is to understand, grasp and admire in the world around us. And we cannot forget of course, the striking phenomena lying within our own selves, just beyond reach underneath that skin of ours.

As we sat at the E=MC2 round table meeting this afternoon, it dawned on me the magnitude and the alluring beauty of all this passion, inquiry, and sheer effort that each and every person has invested in their journey of exploration. We discussed deeply ubiquitous, although not always acknowledged, topics like human morality with Alex's project or personality - the essence of our beings - with Taniya's study or even the movement of people; physical movement in immigration but also in a social sense - through the ranks of society - as in Llewellyn's quest. I've said this before but I will continue to express it, even if it's the only coherent thought in this entire journal - I am simply in awe of every single one of my classmates and their passionate, influentially remarkable expeditions to acquire knowledge and proceed to disseminate those tokens of intellectualism. The more I think about it, the more I realize that there is a specific prerogative I must obtain if I ever hope to study anything as human as most others have chosen to do. There must initially exist a capacity for such endeavors. I'm still in the stage where wrapping my head around wormy wonders is the most arduous task at hand so that probably means my personal capacity has much room for growth.

I suppose then, I ought to mention how this realization at the round table today brought with it several glimmers of doubt. Not about the worms, don't worry, C. elegans are still my model organism of choice. No, these doubts were about what I brought to my study of nematodes and what that will be leaving me with come our final symposium in June. Monday, yesterday, was my second to last meeting with my thesis committee to review the results section. All was well and good I would say, we talked nematodes for a substantial 40 minutes and got excited over photos of green worms. But then, amidst all of this empirical analysis, Mr. Finsel posed to me an unexpected inquiry, he asked "how do you feel about this?" In reference of course, to the near culmination of my year with C. elegans and this paper. I think I was taken aback by this question only because I hadn't really considered it very thoroughly before - how this whole process affected me beyond its actual execution and the necessary solving of any problems that developed along the way.

The answer I gave then was something along the lines of dissatisfaction. I want to do more, I want to make this particular experiment better, I want more time in the lab and more access to different chemical assessments to gather more significant data and come to definitive conclusions that I can bolster with reams of data that I just... I just needed more time, better anticipation of obstacles, and frankly, more brainpower to put together. In essence, I want to produce more and I want it to be of higher caliber. Perhaps, this is the voice of perfectionism or inadequacy, or maybe (probably) both, speaking. But in reconsidering the implications of this question over the course of yesterday evening and today, I think I am neglecting to acknowledge the very thing that I told you my classmates have taught me over the course of this year. In reality, while all of those scientific goals of improvement are valid concerns, no amount of their fulfillment will ever suffice to replace the far more important and meaningful component that I ought to have identified as missing straightaway. I think I seek a piece of influence and passion that is communicable beyond the anomalous contents of my own personal mind.

I know I've already talked about and alluded to this in a rather, "beating around the bush" manner throughout the past couple of months, but the biggest reason I remain discussing it is that I remain without an answer and even now, I remain grappling with this quest to understand and formulate a connection that is valuable. I know my project lacks a certain ambience and level of complexity that I have seen and admired in the work of my classmates yet I am unsure of the most effective way to lay hold of it. Something Llewellyn said in the video we made for E=MC2 a couple months back has remained with me for quite some time. She was discussing how each and every project is a reflection of the person performing it - "Everyone puts a bit of their personality into their project. It's 'this is me. This is what I'm interested in..." The thing then that I need to comprehend, to be guided towards understanding even the smallest bit is how I am to take my interest which is so far removed from humanity at large and reconcile it with the influence and impact I know any exploration must possess?

Last year, I learned that I must find - sometimes, it must be created - some kind of stake for others to buy into with their interest, or even necessity for that special component that says, "listen up. I've got something important to tell you." As I think is most prominently displayed in Alex's project - that component at stake ought to be an improving one. One that leads people closer to gaining the satisfaction from their actions and endeavors that every one of us seeks, whether we acknowledge it or not. I suppose my biggest struggle is probably that I've been on both sides of this conundrum. Last year, I was at pretty much a loss for hard scientific data with calculated outcomes and statistical analyses that only existed in my dreams given the subject matter I initially chose to tackle. That then became an opportunity to really get a taste of connection and meaning that I only know is missing this year because I experienced it last year. It is for that reason that I am starting to feel at fault for pursuing my empirical trajectory and hanging with the worms this year. The one thing I will say on this that might be a little more clear-headed than the rest of my thought process is that I recognize this specific spiral of thought. And it's not a good one. Often, we forget that in all disciplines, the scientific one especially - collaboration, whether it is done on a personal level or over the years through literature reviews and citations, is what can be cause for advancement. To think that all value can come from one experiment or one endeavor is rather shortsighted, I am sure of it. So I'm going close that door of thought before we begin to descend into any more of my unnecessarily outlandish claims.

But anyway, where does that leave us? First, I must apologize for the confusing and tangential nature of this journal. I promise we'll get back to the neuroscience very shortly but as I considered how to reflect upon my results committee meeting which went rather smoothly, I figured this was probably the most controversial and in need of grappling with (working-through?) topic that I ought to discuss here. To be completely honest, I'm unsure if, about 1300 words later I'm in any different place than when I started writing this journal. Certainly, if that's the case, it's quite a shame. But one thing I do believe I have maybe come to terms with at least a little bit is that I am thankful that being in the lab over the summer meant I'm going to have a little bit of extra time before this year is officially over. I want to use these coming 3 months to find connections and meaning as much as I possibly can. As you can see, I'm not always the best at challenging myself without venturing off into other trains of thought so to whoever's reading this, I want to, no - I need to be challenged. I want to be challenged to find those valuable meanings and connections even where there seem to be none. There is one, there are probably several. Surely, all it takes is the right questions and some guidance. And then, I need to be challenged to communicate those connections and give an audience something framed in an effective manner. I don't want to make it seem as though I am ungrateful for the absolutely wonderful opportunities and experiences that this year has provided me with. My only grievance is really one concerning my own response to those gifts - how do I find a way to give it back? How do I bring my inexplicably intriguing passion and curiosity to those around me?